Today I both reached out and accepted others reaching out to me. I wrote lyrics with one of my clients at work. He was shy at first, dissing himself, “I’m not good at this.” I talked to him about how we judge ourselves so readily and how that stops us from expressing our creativity before we even start. Easy to say to another, more challenging to implement for oneself. (Not-so-secret: I have this problem too.) At first when he asked me if I wanted to help him write a song—I didn’t. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned during recovery, it’s when someone asks you for help, say yes. ” When your mind says no, your feet say yes” (one benefit of training in the ways of the program). Also, it’s my damn job. To interact. To provide support and guidance. To encourage and validate.
I’m trying a new thing the past two days (that number includes today, technically not “past” but omg whatever). I made myself a schedule, or rather a pattern, for my work days. It includes the things I want to encourage myself to make a regular part of my life—5 minutes of meditation in the morning, for instance (hit it yesterday, skipped today). But this afternoon I did friggin YOGA!! For like fifteen minutes. I haven’t done an actual concerted session of yoga in, um, at least a year. Why? It’s the easiest thing—all you need is your body. Anyway, this is the plan: wake up, 10th step check-in, morning meditation, morning routine (dress, meds, vapes, coffee, bag, shoes, coat). When I come home from work it’s…work-time—edits if I have them, step work if I don’t. Then I do some “actual” writing: the real deal, relevant research, or actions related to submitting work for publication. Other options: journaling, writing letters. Bodywork break: yoga, hula, tai chi, body scan, roller, walk. Options abound! I literally do NOTHING for my body right now, at least not intentionally. Then I prep for tomorrow (coffee, clothes, bag, vapes) and have some free time for “projects”. This could be anything from an art project to a cleaning junket to the assembly of some furniture to using my label-maker. Sky’s the limit baby! Then I eat and have some down time to do whatever (we all know this means watching Supernatural). An hour before I go to bed I head upstairs, make my entry on the gratitudes and affirmations thread I share with my girls (sponsees) if I haven’t done so already, then read for a while (whoah, actual READING!!), and when the lights go out, the evening version of my 10th step review. There might be a little somethin somethin next but omg MYOB. Somewhere in the middle of it all I reach out to others and respond when others reach out to me. Voila! All in a day… a bit ambitious but better to strive for the unattainable than to settle for the same old boring shit forever.
Today during my project time I picked up the phone. It’s one of my aspirations to call or text at least 5 people a day, making or receiving at least one actual phone call. I tried dialing a few friends. Hit voicemail, which nobody leaves. Then I called my 94-year-old grandpa. And had a real conversation. His brother just died, and he said to me, “I didn’t just lose a brother, I lost my best friend.” We talked about aging and death, how the body compounds its betrayals. We talked about whether he was still okay being on his own. I mentioned a living arrangement that had been tossed around wherein he stayed at a small place near one of my uncles and his partner. Grandpa said he didn’t want to be a burden. I said that’s one way of thinking but it’s just as likely that people who love him and want to care for him and spend time with him might think of it as a blessing. If I were able to offer that kind of respite and care, I hope that’s how I would feel.
Then I called my Grandma, his ex-wife of many years. She is still going strong at 90 but she’s losing her vision and only has two-thirds of her one good eye left. She, too, lives on her own. In a small condo on a golf-course in Palm Springs. She is an avid reader but hasn’t been able to read an actual book in over five years. But she is a modern woman and has adapted to the IPad, the Kindle, and books on tape. Still she sleeps only five hours a night if she’s lucky and has so many more hours to fill. She cooks for herself, bathes herself, dresses herself, enjoys her own company. She’s not lonely. She’s laid off the vodka and now just has her one (big) glass of wine a day. She tells me a funny story about a 90-something man in the complex getting a crush on one of my sisters and sending her a negligee. I say he’s a randy old man and she says he’s a horny old man and that he’s tried to get a pinch in on her before too. We talk and we laugh and we talk and we laugh and I love her to the moon.
I’m so glad I picked up the phone today. It was no skin off my back. I even multitasked. All the while I wore headphones and had my hands free. I wiped down the counters and put away the dishes in the dishrack and loaded the dishwasher and set up my coffee for tomorrow and emptied all the trash. Things I can do with my hands yet save my attention for the person on the other end of the line, to whom I listen with my mind and with my heart.
LOCK IT DOWN 